I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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