I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
