She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
