I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize