she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
