I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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