ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
