Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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