I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
