..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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