I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
