Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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