every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
