My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
