one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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