After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
