Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
