it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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