i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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