So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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