all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
