whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize