They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
