We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize