Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
