im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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