i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
