Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
