Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
