i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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