Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
