we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
