god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize