It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
