life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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