why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you traded sex for a burrito?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
