hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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