I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You ruined the universe
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
