i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
