Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
