i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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