well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
