there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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