First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
