you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
