dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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