If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
