I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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