If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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