i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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