update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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