no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize