I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
