I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I forget how to act sober
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
