so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You pole danced in your parka.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
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