I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
