Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
