Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I smell like Dick and happiness
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