I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
