This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
