I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
