Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
