4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize