Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
