Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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