Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are all done wearing pants today
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
