We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i believe in u and ur pee
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
