Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
