Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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