Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
