At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
