I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
